It was recently brought to My attention that certain events transpired potentially implicating Myself in any number of ridiculous doings which befell certain individuals present at a recent meet in Washington, DC. To set the record straight, I did not so much as log into my computer that day, but I have interrogated those who were in Lusternia at the time, and no one has offered to say anything, save one giggly bard from up the Peak. He confirms that I am blameless; his recounting of the events are as follows:
The sun had set, and shadows cloaked the Basin far and wide.
The quiet broke, and not long hence, the first warnings were cried:
“A serpent! Fie, it bites its tail, and rolls about the land;
It slithers not, but hoops apace, a sinister, scaled band!”
‘Twas Ixion who heralded the beast’s foul nom-de-guerre:
“The hoop snake lives!” He fair did shout, and dread soon filled the air.
Though most dismissed this lofty claim as foolish bunk and lies,
The voices of Lyora and Orventa too did rise.
“A hoop snake at the aetherplex!” “A serpent in Celest!”
Then Kaimanahi, tall and bold, stood at this strange bequest.
“Avast!” cried she, “‘Tis Legion’s work, for snakes are His own kin;
I’ll stop this problem at the source, and bash His damned door in!”
As she marched onward, Neos woke, and looked about his realm.
In the Starlit Eternity, he was quite overwhelmed.
“Alas! I have not left this place for nigh on fifty years;
Yet I must leave, or Magnagora will bring all to tears!”
So Neos did descend to Prime from high his lofty perch,
and, wandering, did become lost, and for the way did search.
Yet Magnagora was not to be his first port of call;
He stumbled ‘cross Climanti old, and to Zenos did fall.
While Neos died, fair Kaimanahi crossed the Blasted Lands,
and entered Legion’s realm, a greatsword ready in her hands.
“Death to the God-Devourer!” She bellowed with a cry,
and hewed His gentlemen with such pure fury, heads did fly.
Her path did take her through His realm to the Palace’s stone gate,
and, startled, there she found the Gorefyre Hydra did await.
“AVAST,” she roared, and cleaved the beast with sharpened white-gold steel;
the hydra did not heed, and made of her a tasty meal.
Thus Neos wakened once again, renewed and mission set;
He snuck to Magnagora, and no notice did he get.
With cunning high and mischief great, their mutts he gutted few;
But ur’Marshals discovered him, and Neos died, part two.
Too in the hoop snake’s path had been left other innocents;
Lyora and Orventa were beset by baked agents.
A zombie cookie threatened them from ‘neath the Aetherplex,
and chocolate chips with zombie rot have strange and ill effects.
The cookie crumbled at great length, but left its presence known;
the skinrot resurged briefly there, and flesh soon became bone.
Soon Kaimanahi rose again, and loudly roared “AVAST!”
(For her most ancient diction’ry had ‘A’ and little past.)
She rallied those of New Celest to fight the Legion’s thrall,
and said, “That hydra must be slain, for once if not for all!”
The hydra must have heard this claim, for instantly he came,
and slaughtered Kaimanahi yet again, despite her fame.
She fell into the Pool of Stars and cursed the beast vilely,
and due to roomwide AOEs, poor Neos died, part three.
Fair Kaimanahi had enough of serpents and of Gods,
and to the Aetherplex she rode, examining her odds.
To Ixion’s own domicile the Paladin did go,
and crashing through the stockroom door, she bravely yelled, “AVAST!”
— Er, sir, that doesn’t rhyme.
— Not my bloody fault she only knows one word!
She focused upon Ixion and called for Japhiel,
and topaz light enveloped him before he even fell.
So startled he could do nothing save look death in the face
and kicked our heroine so hard she flew through time and space.
Thus Kaimanahi too did meet Climanti of the past,
and Zenos twice in the same day did have his own repast.
The moral, dears? The hoop snake heralds things both strange and turned.
Though none may last, they baffle most, and should be better spurned.