Today started just about the same as any other day I awake at my new
home, the Portal of Fate, and as I sat and looked into the darkness that
is it's center, I was distracted momentarily by a movement out of the
side of my eye.

I turned to look and see a novice Tahtetso who smiled and gave me a
polite curtsey before leaving. In my recent months of fighting anything
with legs and bathing in both my own and others blood, my temperature
running hot and my lips curled in anger and spittle dripping from the
edges of my mouth, I had been blinded to a few things.

Now as I recover from the shock of this random act of kindness and
respect, which I surely didn't expect, I think between punches, kicks
and swings that preceeded this day and find that quite a lot of people
have done the same thing during my fits of rage and madness.

I've said it many times to the people of my old city, that I have an
illness that's not cured by herbs, and affliction that nobody in this
world, god or mortal can afflict me with. My rage is boundless...

There are a few moments of clarity from time to time that allow me to
step back and watch myself, almost reminding me of watching over my body
while in dreamform from the ages ago when I was a mage that studied the
art. In these moments of clarity, I see many things and some are just
outright scary and fiendish.

This is one of those moments, that was sparked into existance by one
random, tiny, but powerful, act of kindness that I didn't deserve.
Actually a few now that I think as I sit at this desk and write this
letter. I awoke to a messanger from the Moondancers, who informed me
that Sarrasri, the leader of Serenwilde and a Moondancer, had declared
me no longer an enemy to their guild. And the last time I met her, was
when I killed her mercilessly with my bare hands and feet. I challenged
her to a duel I knew I would win, and did, didn't even flinch as she
died. Yet she granted me a slight bit reprieve from that masses that are
now labeling me as enemy, and I truthfully, honestly don't know why...

This last trip to the wild side has cost me much, has cost me to view
people I once viewed as allies as enemies, people I once would lay down
my life for, I was now hurting and hurting badly. As well as myself
personally, It's cost me months of learning, mounds of gold and
countless other material and invisible things, and for all it's cost me,
I've truly gained nothing. A few notches on the belt maybe, and a bit of
hard learned fighting tactics aren't as big of a boost to the pride as
my anger-filled mind promised me they would...

Pardon the language, but shit people, had any of you asked me five or
six years ago, if I would scry someone over 100 times in one day, simply
to run up and murder them where they stand, I would call you a liar, but
unfortunately just that has happened.

If I were asked at that same time, what my sins were, what burdens I
held on the Karma of my soul, I would have never said that they were
Pride and Wrath, but they have become them. I took any request that
didn't suit me or make absolute sense to me as a slight to me, an
attempt to belittle or shame me, when really a lot of times, they were
probably in my best interest, or simply could have been discovered with
a bit less malice and outright anger. And as I said earlier, this has
cost me much.

For almost as long as the Tahtetso have been in existance, I have held
and wielded the weapon and skills of it's order and thought that made me
a Tahtetso, cause I could swing my staff and punch and kick... Many told
me, that I was mearly an empty shell of what a true Tahtetso was and I
ignored them as "Jealous" or "Envious" and proceeded down my road of
destruction I stand on today.

I guess sometimes it takes drastic measures and drastic actions to make
you sit and actually think on what you are or have become. What you have
to give and what true harm you do to others. As I sit in the cavern of
fate, I swear I can feel the passage of my thread swinging from left to
right, back and forth and it doesn't seem to stay steady from day to
day. I even fear my thread may have turned so black and so convoluted
that I might harm the tapestry they weave and I guess this is somewhat
my attempt to start my path going back into the way it was designed, at
least I hope it was designed, because for all the carnal pleasure and
momentary surge you get from fighting and argueing or besting your
opponent, there is a wicked drop off that leaves you lower then you were
before that boost.

I still don't agree 100 percent with the way things are run in this
world, but I have finally realized I don't have to, but to try and force
things to bend or flex to fit me is mearly being selfish and greedy.

I lost all track of the discipline I should have, the humility I never
had and the ability to sacrifice my pride for the needs of others and I
feel I should focus on these things, I should meditate on them, and that
is what I plan on doing.

So for the next few months I will be sitting at my portal, meditating on
my fate, and I just wanted to send out this message to let those who
have stood by me this whole time, even when they shouldn't have, and
those who gave me respect and kindness when I deserved none. Thank you.

And to those I harmed who deserved no harm, whether it be physical or
emotional, those communities I harmed and struck out at, in prideful,
wasteful abandon. I give you the hardest thing for me to ever let go, to
ever offer anyone...

An apology, I'm sorry for my actions.

Asmoth, Seeker of Lumosis

Penned by my hand on the 7th of Vestian, in the year 189 CE.