Critique my designs

by Unknown

Back to Last Chance Trading Post.

Unknown2011-02-16 23:02:36
I'm not sure which section would be most appropriate for this thread, but I figure why play ping pong with those who approve designs when I can get feedback in a more fun way on the forums?

So here are three designs of mine that I would like critiqued:
QUOTE (mask)
a smirking, mustachioed Viscanti gentleman mask.

The empty eyes of a Viscanti gentleman stare up from a mask on the floor.

This mask depicts a mirthful-looking Viscanti gentleman. His dark eyes show no fear, his rosy cheeks good health, and his black handlebar mustache a refined upbringing. The stubby horns on his forehead appear perpetually well-manicured. Around the inside of the mask is embroidered the phrase, “Thy beauty hangs around thee like light around the moon, pitiful worm!”

The idea behind this mask is "W is for Winnae."

QUOTE (splendour hat)
a decorative, cog-shaped black fedora hat with a bloody white feather

A strangely shaped black hat lies evenly on the ground here.

This sizable hat is so broad that it could obviate some people's need for an umbrella, though the stylized shape of the brim seems more decorative than functional. A cherubic white feather has been pinned into an almost indiscernible black band which is wrapped around the center of the hat, above the brim. The feather is stained a reddish brown, especially around the base where it meets the band. The black band is embroidered with raised images of the demons of Nil, whom are chasing tiny cherubs around the hat.

It took me awhile to come up with the perfect Magnagoran hat concept, but this is it dahlings, so what?

QUOTE (splendour suit)
a dashing midnight black dress suit with cog-shaped buttons

A fine suit has been left crumpled on the ground here.

So sinisterly stylish is this dashing midnight suit that it might have been worn by the Prince of Eternal Damnation himself. Each necessary fold is made gracefully, the elbows decorated with leather patches so pitch that they might easily go unnoticed without a closer inspection being made. The legs are creased carefully and a charcoal kerchief sits gracefully in the vest pocket. Unusually, the buttons of the vest resemble silver clockwork cogs.

I'm confused on something... can you wear a vest and coat/cloak in addition to a splendour suit? If not, do you include the vest and coat in this description?

QUOTE (splendour robes)
leprosy-white amaranth robes

A silky, sickly white robe lies on the ground here.

These fine robes consist of three layers, each layer having been tailored to be looser than the next one going towards the outermost. The thin innermost layer is fastened tightly around the body and is almost skin-tight, while the middle and outer layers grow deliberately looser, the outermost drooping noticeably. The long straps used to secure the robes are intentionally longer than is necessary, and are sewn with a frilly pattern, creating the appearance of drooping amaranth blossoms while the body is meant to depict the main part of the flower in bloom. The outer layer is white in color, though the pure fabric is shot through with undertones of green that give it a subtly ominous tinge. The innermost robe has a subtle shade of red to it, while the middle layer is a more simple shade of white.

Something for the ladies, though Winnae would probably wear it too.
Xenthos2011-02-17 02:47:06
My attention span lasted only long enough to get me through the first design, but I found a typo; "the" should be "thee," or the sentence is missing a word.

“Thy beauty hangs around the like light around the moon, pitiful worm!”
Unknown2011-02-17 02:56:16
QUOTE (Xenthos @ Feb 17 2011, 03:47 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My attention span lasted only long enough to get me through the first design, but I found a typo; "the" should be "thee," or the sentence is missing a word.

“Thy beauty hangs around the like light around the moon, pitiful worm!”

Thanks, fixed. Feel free to read the others later on tongue.gif
Unknown2011-02-17 15:42:40
Ok, I love editing things, but these are beautiful. Edited for a few choice words, up to you though.

QUOTE
Mask.


Examined:
This mask depicts a mirthful-looking Viscanti gentleman. His dark eyes show no fear, his rosy cheeks good health, and his elegant black handlebar mustache a refined upbringing. The stubby horns jutting out on his forehead appear pleasantly well-manicured. Around the inside of the mask the phrase, "Thy beauty hangs around thee like light around the moon, pitiful worm!" in neatly embroidered script.

QUOTE
Hat.

Dropped:
A strangely shaped black hat lies evenly on the ground here, a white feather stained crimson tucked in its band.
Examined:
This sizeable hat is so broad that it could obviate some people's need for an umbrelle, though the stylized shape of the brim seems more decorative than fuctional. A cherubic white feather has been pinned into the almost indiscernible black band that is wrapped around the center of the hat, directly above the brim, its purity ruined by the reddish brown stain that streaks up it from the shaft. The black band is embroidered with raised images of the demons of Nil, viciously chasing the tiny cherubs around the hat.

Unfortunately I must now leave this class, so I'll be back in a bit to take a look at the third/edit my previous suggestions.

Esano2011-02-17 16:12:24
Embroidered script is not allowed in the design itself, it must be embroidered on with the appropriate ability.
Unknown2011-02-17 17:57:36
QUOTE (Esano @ Feb 17 2011, 04:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Embroidered script is not allowed in the design itself, it must be embroidered on with the appropriate ability.

Ah, I was afraid of that. It's just my all-time favorite forum quote and I want to immortalize it somehow biggrin.gif

And thank you Kayte! I will incorporate your suggestions.
Ushaara2011-02-17 20:08:51
If I have put my trademaster cap on correctly:

- For the mask, Viscanti should be left as 'viscanti'.
- For the hat, 'stylized' should be 'stylised' for the British spelling convention, and personally I'd use 'who' instead of 'whom', though it should still be acceptable.
Daraius2011-02-17 21:03:55
Who is correct.
Mirami2011-02-18 06:03:07
I don't think there are vests in Lusternia, so it's A-OK to put the vest in the splendour outfit itself.

And yes, you can wear a coat/cloak over the suit.
Unknown2011-02-18 06:16:12
QUOTE (Romertien @ Feb 18 2011, 01:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't think there are vests in Lusternia, so it's A-OK to put the vest in the splendour outfit itself.

And yes, you can wear a coat/cloak over the suit.

There are vests, actually.
Unknown2011-02-18 20:21:57
So anyone know the details of how vests and suits work then? smile.gif This will be the last day before I submit them.
Unknown2011-02-18 20:31:20
QUOTE (Jello @ Feb 18 2011, 03:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So anyone know the details of how vests and suits work then? smile.gif This will be the last day before I submit them.

I'm not sure. I'm thinking it should be ok, but then, I once had a design for a suit rejected because the word shirt was in it. doh.gif I say just submit it and see what you get back, since I mean, suits are a bunch of different pieces and this should be understood, but that stupid shirt thing still bothers me to this day.